Jumbled Thoughts.

I never thought I’d be the kind of person who struggled with time off from work, or school, or things that generally I don’t look forward to going to. I hated going to school when I think about it, I didn’t like College all that much and I struggled through University. With work, though it’s something I enjoy now mainly because of the people that are there and the fact that I’m busy all the time, I still find myself struggling to wake up in the morning.

I never thought about depression or anxiety when I was younger, it wasn’t something ever thought that I’d have, and when I did think about it it was something that I dismissed. It was something I thought that I was just thinking about for attention – which is silly really, nobody who’s got depression is doing things they do for attention. See mental illness has this way of making you believe you’re not mentally ill, it makes you think that awful thought that people have it worse than you, that you have nothing to complain about. With me my depression is something that is constantly there and ready to drag me back down into that hole, though sometimes, like it’s been lately, it’s not as obvious. I can almost forget that I feel that way.

The prevailing thought for my life is that it’s not going anywhere. I always think, ‘what am I going to do, what am I going to accomplish’. I want to be a writer but in my free time I sit and I struggle with what to do. I sit and play games or browse Instagram, I waste my time and sit there thinking about writing, sit there and try to plot my stories out. I try and think of the characters and their motives, but I never actually do anything. I have this imbalance between wanting to do things and lacking the motivation to actually do them.

I’ve had this week off. I’ve had all the time I could have needed to sit down and get something done, even if it was only a chapter and I haven’t done it. The one thing I can say that I’ve done is write things for this blog; and no it’s not the writing that I should be doing, that I want to be doing for my career, but it’s still writing. It’s still getting myself in that frame of mind just sit there and think of what to put down on paper, or as I’m doing now, speaking to my tablet. It’s the same with reading, they say you can’t be a writer if you don’t read, (and reading is something I want to do, I love it and love reading) but it’s also something I struggle to motivate myself to actually sit there and just… read. Take for instance my favourite book, it’s called The Painted Man by Peter V Brett, I read the first book, I’ve read half of the second book, and for some reason one day I stopped reading it. I couldn’t be bothered and that upsets me. I know it’s my fault I let myself sit there and not do these things I might want to do.

I guess the point of this post was just to talk about my lack of motivation, my depression the goals that I want to aim for, the don’t get me wrong, it’s not an excuse, I’m not excusing myself by writing this down. I’m going to do what I want to do. I’m going to write my book and I’m going to be published.  What I need to do is just take this free time that I have and use it. It’s the reason I took a part time job, and it’s the reason why I was so happy that I have so much time off at moment, because I can write. So that’s what I’m going to do, I’m going to write everyday, even if it’s only a sentence, 200 words, 500 words, whatever I put, whatever I managed, I’m going to try and get myself out of this frame of mind. Maybe I’ll even pick up book and read.

Thank you for putting up with my rambling, I don’t know if any of it makes sense. I don’t have any it’s relatable. This blog really is a place for me to just speak my mind, it’s a way for me to express thoughts that I might not be able to express to the people in my life, or anybody I know in real life. So thank you for being here.
Rainy x

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