Regrets and Self-Discovery

There are many things I’ve done wrong in my life, like I’m sure is the same for everyone. If someone says they don’t have any regrets then I automatically don’t believe them. It’s a part of being human. We make mistakes, and some of those mistakes plague our past. Most of mine are from childhood, stupid things I did, things I wish I could change or do differently. I wasn’t a very nice child, I’ll own up to that. I was angry so much of the time, bossy to the point others hated me. I like to think I’ve changed a lot since then, that I’ve calmed myself down, I try to make being kind to others the forefront of my intentions. Of course, that doesn’t always work, I act rashly, without consideration. I’m trying to improve myself, but it’s a slow going process, it is for anyone. 

I guess lately I’ve been thinking about things that have happened. I don’t know why that is something we do, you know, look back at those things that make us cringe. Most of the things that bother me, chances are no one else remembers. I’m not going to go delving deep into my past and give you a run down of each of the things I regret, but I do want to talk about the things I’ve learnt about myself, and those things I’m still learning. Writing things down is a way for me to organise my thoughts, and lately they’ve been conflicted. Whether you find this post interesting, perhaps helpful in some way, I don’t know, more than anything this is for me.

Things I’ve learnt:

  1. Its hard for me to say no to people, no matter how much I might want to. I’m dependant on people, and so don’t want to let them down, even if it’s harmful to me.
  2. I’ve gotten a control on my anger, I can calm myself quickly, and I like to consider myself someone who doesn’t hold a grudge.
  3. If I make promise, you know I’m going to keep it. If I don’t say those words, chances are I won’t.
  4. I struggle with loneliness, but get overwhelmed with social interaction easily, even if that’s with one person.
  5. Patience is a virtue I struggle to maintain.
  6. Keeping things organised and tidy is something I like, but something I struggle to do; as someone with depression, it’s good to stay on top of things, otherwise they become overwhelming. This is a note to myself, I struggle with tidying my room, and leave it to get to a point where it’s so bad, I struggle to not stand on things. 
  7. There are better ways of dealing with emotions.
  8. A bad way of dealing with things or not, I’ve learnt it’s better for me to say nothing and take it, than to argue back and make things worse. I’d rather suffer than make others angry.
  9. Gender is something complicated, I may not have it figured out, but I don’t have to put a label on it. I am who I am.

Things I’m still learning:

  1. Money is something I need, and something I’ve had, I’m bad at wasting it on things I want but don’t need.
  2. My body is not something to be despised. Other people’s opinions don’t matter. Loving who you are is important.
  3. Sexuality is fluid, but I’m not sure mine’s ever settled. I want to figure out who I am, without hurting anyone.
  4. Sometimes it’s not a bad thing to put your needs above others.
  5. It’s not up to you to solve everyone’s problems and make everyone happy. Look after yourself.
  6. What’s in the past makes you who you are, but don’t look back too often. Relationships were left behind for a reason.
  7. They do care about you.
  8. Having multiple things you want to do in life isn’t a bad thing, you don’t have to choose one or the other.
  9. In a world where sex seems so important, it’s not bad to never want it. You will find someone who understands.

Rainy x

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