Something I Never Thought I’d Say

I miss seeing wasps.

Every year, come spring/summer, my front and back garden would be full of wasps. We have a bush next to our front door that they absolutely love, I’d avoid going out there because there would be so many buzzing around – and it would be the same for the back garden. There’s a big, old plum tree we have, now we all know wasps love fruit, and let me tell you, they loved those plums. It’s another thing I would avoid going near, as I have a phobia of wasps and bees (not so much bees now, I’m getting better with them). They would be eating the fruit still hanging on the tree, clearing on those plums that fell on the floor. This year though, I’ve barely seen any. Just last year we’d have 5 or 6 wasps coming into the house a week. We’d be able to hear them once we went outside. We’d see them. But this year, I just… Haven’t.

Now, I don’t like wasps. I hate them. I’m terrified of them. But missing them from the garden doesn’t feel right. Not when the lack of wasps goes alongside the lack of bees. I’ve seen so few this year, it’s worrying. Especially when we had, not long ago, the government suspending the ban on pesticides that were linked with being dangerous to bees (see here). It’s like people don’t realise that bees are a thing we need for survival, and as much as I dislike wasps, they will have their purpose as well. Just look at my plum tree, those plums are fermenting on the grass, instead of being eaten by the wasps.

I’m worried, and I shouldn’t be. The people in power should be caring more for the environment than what goes into their pockets. But then, that’s what they’ve always been concerned with and then they carry on getting voted for? It blows my mind.

Rainy x

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Jumbled Thoughts.

I never thought I’d be the kind of person who struggled with time off from work, or school, or things that generally I don’t look forward to going to. I hated going to school when I think about it, I didn’t like College all that much and I struggled through University. With work, though it’s something I enjoy now mainly because of the people that are there and the fact that I’m busy all the time, I still find myself struggling to wake up in the morning.

I never thought about depression or anxiety when I was younger, it wasn’t something ever thought that I’d have, and when I did think about it it was something that I dismissed. It was something I thought that I was just thinking about for attention – which is silly really, nobody who’s got depression is doing things they do for attention. See mental illness has this way of making you believe you’re not mentally ill, it makes you think that awful thought that people have it worse than you, that you have nothing to complain about. With me my depression is something that is constantly there and ready to drag me back down into that hole, though sometimes, like it’s been lately, it’s not as obvious. I can almost forget that I feel that way.

The prevailing thought for my life is that it’s not going anywhere. I always think, ‘what am I going to do, what am I going to accomplish’. I want to be a writer but in my free time I sit and I struggle with what to do. I sit and play games or browse Instagram, I waste my time and sit there thinking about writing, sit there and try to plot my stories out. I try and think of the characters and their motives, but I never actually do anything. I have this imbalance between wanting to do things and lacking the motivation to actually do them.

I’ve had this week off. I’ve had all the time I could have needed to sit down and get something done, even if it was only a chapter and I haven’t done it. The one thing I can say that I’ve done is write things for this blog; and no it’s not the writing that I should be doing, that I want to be doing for my career, but it’s still writing. It’s still getting myself in that frame of mind just sit there and think of what to put down on paper, or as I’m doing now, speaking to my tablet. It’s the same with reading, they say you can’t be a writer if you don’t read, (and reading is something I want to do, I love it and love reading) but it’s also something I struggle to motivate myself to actually sit there and just… read. Take for instance my favourite book, it’s called The Painted Man by Peter V Brett, I read the first book, I’ve read half of the second book, and for some reason one day I stopped reading it. I couldn’t be bothered and that upsets me. I know it’s my fault I let myself sit there and not do these things I might want to do.

I guess the point of this post was just to talk about my lack of motivation, my depression the goals that I want to aim for, the don’t get me wrong, it’s not an excuse, I’m not excusing myself by writing this down. I’m going to do what I want to do. I’m going to write my book and I’m going to be published.  What I need to do is just take this free time that I have and use it. It’s the reason I took a part time job, and it’s the reason why I was so happy that I have so much time off at moment, because I can write. So that’s what I’m going to do, I’m going to write everyday, even if it’s only a sentence, 200 words, 500 words, whatever I put, whatever I managed, I’m going to try and get myself out of this frame of mind. Maybe I’ll even pick up book and read.

Thank you for putting up with my rambling, I don’t know if any of it makes sense. I don’t have any it’s relatable. This blog really is a place for me to just speak my mind, it’s a way for me to express thoughts that I might not be able to express to the people in my life, or anybody I know in real life. So thank you for being here.
Rainy x

Regrets and Self-Discovery

There are many things I’ve done wrong in my life, like I’m sure is the same for everyone. If someone says they don’t have any regrets then I automatically don’t believe them. It’s a part of being human. We make mistakes, and some of those mistakes plague our past. Most of mine are from childhood, stupid things I did, things I wish I could change or do differently. I wasn’t a very nice child, I’ll own up to that. I was angry so much of the time, bossy to the point others hated me. I like to think I’ve changed a lot since then, that I’ve calmed myself down, I try to make being kind to others the forefront of my intentions. Of course, that doesn’t always work, I act rashly, without consideration. I’m trying to improve myself, but it’s a slow going process, it is for anyone. 

I guess lately I’ve been thinking about things that have happened. I don’t know why that is something we do, you know, look back at those things that make us cringe. Most of the things that bother me, chances are no one else remembers. I’m not going to go delving deep into my past and give you a run down of each of the things I regret, but I do want to talk about the things I’ve learnt about myself, and those things I’m still learning. Writing things down is a way for me to organise my thoughts, and lately they’ve been conflicted. Whether you find this post interesting, perhaps helpful in some way, I don’t know, more than anything this is for me.

Things I’ve learnt:

  1. Its hard for me to say no to people, no matter how much I might want to. I’m dependant on people, and so don’t want to let them down, even if it’s harmful to me.
  2. I’ve gotten a control on my anger, I can calm myself quickly, and I like to consider myself someone who doesn’t hold a grudge.
  3. If I make promise, you know I’m going to keep it. If I don’t say those words, chances are I won’t.
  4. I struggle with loneliness, but get overwhelmed with social interaction easily, even if that’s with one person.
  5. Patience is a virtue I struggle to maintain.
  6. Keeping things organised and tidy is something I like, but something I struggle to do; as someone with depression, it’s good to stay on top of things, otherwise they become overwhelming. This is a note to myself, I struggle with tidying my room, and leave it to get to a point where it’s so bad, I struggle to not stand on things. 
  7. There are better ways of dealing with emotions.
  8. A bad way of dealing with things or not, I’ve learnt it’s better for me to say nothing and take it, than to argue back and make things worse. I’d rather suffer than make others angry.
  9. Gender is something complicated, I may not have it figured out, but I don’t have to put a label on it. I am who I am.

Things I’m still learning:

  1. Money is something I need, and something I’ve had, I’m bad at wasting it on things I want but don’t need.
  2. My body is not something to be despised. Other people’s opinions don’t matter. Loving who you are is important.
  3. Sexuality is fluid, but I’m not sure mine’s ever settled. I want to figure out who I am, without hurting anyone.
  4. Sometimes it’s not a bad thing to put your needs above others.
  5. It’s not up to you to solve everyone’s problems and make everyone happy. Look after yourself.
  6. What’s in the past makes you who you are, but don’t look back too often. Relationships were left behind for a reason.
  7. They do care about you.
  8. Having multiple things you want to do in life isn’t a bad thing, you don’t have to choose one or the other.
  9. In a world where sex seems so important, it’s not bad to never want it. You will find someone who understands.

Rainy x

Lightening Strikes

lightning-bolt-768801_1280I woke up last night, around 2am. A light in my room had just switched to green, something I had put on charge. It was quiet for a moment whilst I blinked the sleep from my eyes, fighting back tiredness as I sat up and had a drink from the water I keep on the desk next to me. There was a soft hum from the fan that sat above my bed. I gradually tuned in to the patter of rain, a gentle stream that always calmed me. All my windows were open and the air was hot and humid, like it had been for the past few days.

I jumped, a roll of thunder cutting the near silence. Lightening scattered across the sky, shadowing the clouds in front, that I could just see from the crack in my curtains. I often woke up in the middle of the night, my sleeping habits settling into a new routine, my body more tired than it’s been used to. I was lucky, storms are a rare thing were I live, so to wake up just when one was starting shook what tiredness was left from me. I shifted closer to my window, pulling the curtains open so I could sit and watch as the sky lit up. It was a constant flickering of blue-grey light, distant thunder clattering over head, getting louder each time. The rain grew heavier, a downpour that flooded the gutter above my window, creating a waterfall that splashed loudly against the concrete path below. It was louder than the rain, for a moment, but the clouds had been collecting for a long time.

The next clap of thunder shook the house, deafening, just above my head. The storm went on for half hour more, micro power cuts turning my fan off for a second at a time, if that. I laid back down, the rain calming, but the sky still alive. Lightening carried on for a long time, though the rain stopped and the thunder seemed to roll into the distance.

I used to be afraid of storms; of the roar of thunder and the strikes of electricity that seemed so angry. I used to be scared it would strike at me, but now I love them. They’re something I look forward to in summer, when we have days upon days of hot weather. Twice now we’ve had beautifully powerful storms. It’s out of the ordinary, and perhaps a indicative of climate change, but I love them nonetheless.

Rainy x

Tired but Happy

Works been pretty busy lately, with change overs, new shifts, overtime etc. We’ve been packing up the store ready for the builders to come in though I say that- they were in there doing stuff they same time as us so the dust was playing havoc with my asthma. We’re pretty far ahead of schedule, so starting yesterday we were thinking we would be done by Wednesday but turns out we are a very good team and actually finished earlier on today! Not the most thrilling thing that I could write about, but out of a 1-10Pm shift I finished at 5, With paid holiday tomorrow and that makes me a very happy person. 7 days off until I’m back to another store, and then after that I’m doing all my training! I guess this is just a little update on things, so you’ll hear much more interesting things from me soon.

Rainy x

A Bunny Introduction

About 3 or 4 weeks ago I finally got two beautiful baby buns. I’ve had rabbits before but

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Mochi

lost two too soon and had to re-home my other precious boy because circumstances meant I couldn’t keep him. Rewind 3 years of thinking I wouldn’t be able to get any more pets until I moved out and here we are! I have two beautiful babies, both 18 weeks old, nervous as hell and the best-est friends.

For introductions, we have Mocha – she’s a bit of a foodie, much more brave than her partner, but mostly when it comes to food. I think I’ve made more progress getting her to trust me than with Mochi, but we’ll get there. Mochi on the other hand, is super hesitant about pretty much anything. He runs away whenever I move too fast, but he’ll take treats from my hand no problem – which is improvement!

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Mocha

I’m trying to be super patient with them, not picking them up and only stroking them whenever they allow me to. It’s difficult, because they’re so cute. I’m getting to know their personalities at the moment, with them being so weary of me at the moment, they’re not coming out of their shells just yet. You’ll hear more about them in the future!

 

Rainy x

Well That’s the Next Few Months Planned Out

No jokes, its been just under a year since I had any form or structure to my life. I’d wake up late in the afternoon, play games, generally waste time, then go to sleep. Suddenly I’m then thrown into work, 20 hours a week, taking overtime left, right, and centre and not two weeks in I hear the shop was taken over and is getting a complete rebranding. New name, colour, everything. It’s not bad, don’t get me wrong- it’s actually exciting. So far the company’s been great, but now everyone has their work cut out for them. Departments have been picked, training dates sorted- the lot. I’ve got five days of working in another store, a bunch of training for going into all the admin side of things, till training, team safety, then on top of that I asked for training in the cafe they are going to have (not to mention a lovely portion of time off, I’m a spoilt girl). I’m being vague, I know, but let’s keep this anonymous.

Barista training might seem a bit of a curious choice to those who know me, but I’ve half jokingly mentioned my grand plans to have my own – largely rabbit themed- cafe. Today I had an induction into the “new” take over store, it was interesting and fun at times(boring and nap worthy during others) but it did get me thinking about all the things I would like to do. So… I decided to take advantage of all this training going around and actually take a step towards perhaps, one day, opening up my own little coffee shop somewhere around my little island.

Who would have thought it would ever be something I seriously considered doing with my life. With that and writing and my job now, I expect I’ll have quite a busy time ahead of me. It’s nice to have a goal to aim for, when before I felt pretty lost with the direction my life was taking. But then again, some people come into their own pretty late, maybe I’ve found my goal in life. Being the owner of a cozy coffee shop, and an author, doesn’t sound to bad a life now, does it? I have a lot to think about, and a lot to do, but for now it’s time for dreaming, grand ideas and finding a way to reach what l once considered impossible.

Good luck to all of you with your goals, big or small, it’s all important and I’m sure it will turn out amazing!

Rainy x

Meeting People

img1499870821476You know, the thing with being largely introverted and spending a year isolated in your room is that, when you finally do reach a point of regular social interaction it becomes a lot more overwhelming. I found that out when I got my most recent job. It’s tiring, involves being on your feet pretty much the entire time, and also talking to a number of different customers all throughout your shift. I’ll tell you something, my first day I was on the verge of breaking down a number of times. The thing that got me through it though was the other people that worked there. They were lovely and friendly and supportive, and I felt bad for underestimating how much I was going to enjoy my time working there. I’ve only been in this job for a few months or so, but already my confidence had gotten so much better. A few times I’ve found myself striking up a conversation with a customer, and that’s something I never would have done before. Of course, I have university to thank for the little bit of confidence I built up before, but that was nothing compared to what I have now. I still suffer from anxiety and such, but I feel as though I’ve gotten better.

I know I’m not alone when it comes to being afraid to order food or talk to people you don’t know, hell I was even scared to really eat in the staff canteen on my first day, but it really does help to be thrown in situations you’re unfamiliar with. Don’t get me wrong, I’d never force someone into something they were adamantly refusing, I’ve been there, and it can be more damaging than it is good, but I would recommend pushing yourself past what you find comfortable. Even just baby steps is fine, because progress is progress no matter how small, and faking it until you make it are words to live by.

When it comes to making friends, I’m bad at that as well. With my ex I lost the friends I had, because my friends were her friends first. I was alone for a long time until I finally worked up the courage to reconnect with an old friend from college. We still don’t talk much, being busy as we are now, but knowing I have someone there is a comfort. I also met my current partner at the beginning of this year. It’s weird when you think about the different ways there are for you to meet people, and it can happen in the most unexpected of ways – like joining group chat at the same time someone else does on a game of overwatch, because you feel bad for the guy talking on his own, for instance… I wouldnt change how my life has turned out, because so many things have happened that make me who I am, no matter how bad some of it has been. It’s hard to think of how things will turn out, but with luck, things will keep going well. Fingers crossed!

Rainy x

First Things First

So its actually been quite a while since I wrote pretty much anything, and for someone with aspirations of becoming a writer, that’s not very good. I had a blog before this one, one that I had been keeping on top of, but then I hit a slump. I entered a really dark period in my life and the whole thing got abandoned. The only time I updated that blog was to write posts that weren’t really anything but depressing. I didn’t know what to do with it, I’m not sure I wanted to do anything with it. So here we are, back again with a clean slate. I don’t know what I’ll be writing, probably a mixture of things – sometimes about work, sometimes writing and others, well I guess we’ll see. 

For introductions, you can call me Rainy. I work at a job I enjoy, but isn’t my dream job, I have two rabbits, live with my parents and finished university a little over a year ago where I did creative writing. At the moment I’m in a period of my life where not much happens, but hopefully things will change now that my circumstances have. 

If you find you enjoy my writing, please do leave comments, I love hearing from people and is definitely a confidence boost. 

Talk to you soon!

Rainy x